I'm a Blogging Machine, but Not So Much

I think about blogging at least 5 times a day.

I actually wrote down my random thoughts that I "should" blog about in a single day on Monday.

8:59 - While waiting in the carpool line to drop off Hudson...Why is it necessary for there to be a cell phone police in the carpool line. Everyone here has a common interest - keeping our kids alive and healthy. How freakin' difficult is it to get off your cell phone for 7 minutes?

Hmmmmm. I should blog about that.

10:37 - At Publix while picking up some bread...Wow. I hate that people don't require their kids to have basic manners (i.e. Please, Thank you). Not that I ran into a kid, but I ran into an adult that was just plain rude. Jerk.

I should really blog about that.

12:02 - Picking Hudson up from school...Hudson gets in the car and tells me that a certain child in his class is really mean to him and that she yells at him. What?? Do I need to open up another can of whooptail on some little Nazi Toddler?

Geez. I've had some good thoughts today. I'm seriously going to blog on that one.

2:59 - Waiting for Hudson to go back to Speech Therapy...A little boy is throwing the mother of all tantrums while the mother totally placates him. Why do people think that their child had behavioral carte blanche just because they have special needs?

That's a great one. I'm definitely going to blog on this!

Fast forward to Thursday. I went to a friends office party. After a while I see a woman come into the room. I immediately recognize her. She is the same woman I see at all my friend's parties. I met her about five years ago and was immediately unimpressed. Dry, not inspiring, etc., etc., etc.

Frankly, I avoided her every time I saw her. My friend would always talk about how she was such a great person, so inspiring and I thought for years that my friend's judgment was "off." Am I the only person that is seeing the Emperor's New Clothes here?

Then last night at the party she comes in. I turn around and am face to face with her. "Well, heeeeeeelllllo there!" Ugh.

She clearly didn't recognize me (yay!), but it being "the season," I decided to do the obligatory "How have you been?" Hoping that she would not really tell me.

But she did. She is doing well. She then went on to say that she was looking for an ugly sweater and that she just couldn't come up with one. I note to myself...yeah, yours IS kind of cute and different, but, whatever.

We then did the small talk thing and she started talking about going to the Biltmore. I ask her if she was able to see it since they opened the new rooms...I've been dying to do that. She said that no, unfortunately her timing didn't allow it. Ok...I'm not that miserable talking to her...

I then said that I really wanted to ask my husband to go by myself next time we are there so that I can truly enjoy it. She says, "ASK?" I said "Yes, ask." Andy and I like to do things together and although this is probably not one of his favorite things to do, he would do it to be sweet, so "asking" him to do it alone is 1)out of respect of his feelings and 2) He brings in the money, so I want to respect his opinion. She was a little appalled, but kept her verbal feelings to herself.

But then the conversation took a turn. She started talking about how she's been divorced since the early 80's and that she loves it. Because, get this, she was an agoraphobic for most of her life until recently.

Huh?

She had spent her entire life at home (in general). She would leave to do important things like go to the dentist, but it was EXTREMELY difficult.

Her ability to get control of this painful issue (disease, problem?) began with a trip to the dentist. She was always a white knuckler. Always heavily medicated. She said that one day after the dentist she had a glimmer of hope. Just a tiny "maybe I could be ok?"

That inspired her to walk to the mailbox, which inspired her to walk around the block and so on and so on.

Over the course of the last two years she had slowly talked herself into living. One footstep at time, one panic attack at a time, she is living the life she had always dreamed of.

Her most recent trip was to London...ALONE! I'd say she made it through!

After listening to her story I was ashamed of myself. All those years ago when I met her she was going through a terrible emotional time in her life. She was struggling with something that I could not conceive of. And yet, I judged her. It was such a huge Aha! moment last night. Just as no one ever REALLY knows what is going on with me on any certain day, I should have never assumed that she was CHOOSING to be the person I perceived her to be.

I am hopeful that when I see someone that I believe to be something that I don't expect them to be, that maybe I should be the one to step back and consider that they could be going through something very deep that is not about the situation at hand. Or that maybe they are just having a bad day. Either way, it was a very poignant way of learning that the world doesn't revolve around me.

Sometimes. ;)

Can I hab dat?

This marks the time of year that kid toy commercials start. Hudson being four is apparently the prime age for marketing. Every time a he sees a new toy, he yells to whomever (and by whomever I mean me), "Maaaaaaaaahm, Can I hab dat?"

My response is one of a couple of things: "Well, maybe you should ask Santa for it?" or "Why don't you start your list of requests for Christmas?" or just the famous, "We'll see."

This morning was no different. After breakfast Hudson was lying on the couch catching an iCarly before getting dressed for school when he hollers "Maaaaaaaaaahma?"

Me: "Yeeeees, Sweetheart?"

Hudson: "You cuhm in heer a minit?"

I walk into the playroom.

Hudson points to the television and says "Can I hab dat?"

I look at the tv and see one of a million things that I've looked at over the last week and tell him the question I've picked for the moment.

"Why don't you ask Santa for it?"

Hudson: "Ok."

I start to walk out of the room when Hudson says, "Mahma?"

Me: "Yes?"

Hudson: "I gonna pray to get the Pillow Pet."

Me: "Good call. You've got a way better shot at getting it if you pray."

Buried Alive

We just got back from our first family vacation. My dad and stepmother rented a condo in Destin for a month and invited us to come down for a week, so we did.

It was by far the best vacation I've ever had, except for Andy working the first four days. Hudson loved the beach, played with random kids and we talked to a lot of different people/parents.

We were taking a walk on the beach on Sunday and came upon a setup for a wedding. There were also a bunch of people with umbrellas and coolers butting up to the chairs. We stopped and spoke to the group of 28 people (18 adults, 10 kids) and we were just chitchatting about how the wedding planner was trying to vibe them out. She kept asking when they thought they would be leaving, etc.

We kept walking down the beach then turned and came back. The wedding was just getting ready to start, so we scurried past the "structure" and went over by our new friends to watch the wedding.

We were all whispering about the 50+ year old man and his 29ish year old bride and were trying to speculate on which kids belonged to which person when IT happened.

My sweet baby yells:

"MOMMY WI-YULL YOO MAY-WY ME?"

Crowd: "Awww. How sweet."

Me: "Oh Sweetheart, of course I'll marry you!"

Hudson: "N0 Momma, wi-yull you BURY me?"

As in "bury me in the sand."

Crowd: Laughed. Hysterically.

I offered to bury him head down.

Never Underestimate a New Mom

I was talking to someone that recently got pregnant. We were talking about different pregnancy stuff...like throwing up and all that fun stuff that comes along with creating a life.

I was talking about how much trouble I had bonding with Hudson the first year, but how amazing it is that the Mama Bear syndrome starts the instant that they are born. I knew that Hudson had acid reflux within hours of being born (even though Andy said I was crazy). I didn't instantly love him, but I instinctively felt this incredible protective feeling.

I would have killed anyone that made me feel as if my baby was threatened.

Case in point:

We put Hudson in his crib at seven months. Did we milk the whole sleeping in the bassinet by the bed thing? Probably. But I have to say he would probably still be sleeping in the bassinet if he hadn't gotten too squished in it.

So we finally put him in his crib. Things were going fine for a couple of days, then one day I put him down for his nap and I heard him moving around and making verbal noises. It was unlike him to not fall asleep, so I went up to poke my head in and check on him and almost had a heart attack.

He was rolling a straight pin around in his mouth.

Yes, I said a STRAIGHT PIN. I can remember it as if it was this morning. It was about an inch long with a big yellow round ball on it.

I calmly get it out of his mouth and tried not to come completely unglued. I can actually feel my blood pressure going up just reliving the moment.

I instantly picked him up out of the bed and put him on the floor. I then untied and pulled then bumper out of his crib. I had had his bedding and curtains made by a local seamstress, so I though maybe she had accidentally left one in the bumper. Oh dear Jesus. I started checking the bumper and found 23, uh huh, TWENTY THREE straight pins with little yellow balls on the ends at each place that the ribbons were supposed to be. The weren't on the outside of the fabric, they were somehow still on the inside. Clearly one of those things that only a kid could find.

I throw Hudson on my hip and drag the bumper down the stairs, put them both in the car and levitated to the seamstress' house.

I came to a screeching halt in her driveway and started screaming before I even got my car door open.

Me: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU LEFT 24 STRAIGHT PINS IN MY BABY'S CRIB BUMPER!

Idiot Seamstress: I didn't mean to.

Me: WHAT? YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO? OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO, BUT WHY IN HELL DIDN'T YOU CHECK YOUR WORK? YOU COULD HAVE KILLED MY BABY.

Idiot Seamstress: I SAID I didn't mean to.

Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? JUST. FIX. IT. I'll be back in an hour.

I screeched out of the driveway and tried not to kill my baby myself with my car (wouldn't THAT be ironic). I called ANDY and told him to get bail money ready.

I started running errands and thought it'd be better for me to just wait to go back over there. I really didn't want to go to jail.

That hooker of a seamstress had the nerve to call me and ask where I was. At this point, I'm clearly in some other dimension of reality.

I drove on over to her house, pulled in the driveway and the bumper was lying on the back of her car on the trunk.

I guess I made an impact.

She did come to the door and yell to me that she had a friend double check it.

I drove away.

The lesson here: Post Partum isn't all bad. Especially if you like prison.

Driving 101

Hudson and I decided to stop at the local corner market to try and give then some support. They've got tons of all different pumpkins, so we stopped to check everything out.

We got ready to leave and go get in the car. I am trying to maneuver the car through this tiny parking lot. Back and forth, back and forth, etc.

We finally get out of the lot and Hudson says to me, "It a good ting we didn't hit dat tray-yer. "

Me: "Why baby?"

Hudson: "Cawz duh powees will gib yoo a time-out. Not me. Jus yoo...cawz yoo driving."

Thanks for your support.

Let the writing begin...

The last two weeks have been insane. We started on Monday (August 31st) with a call from the place where I received my mammogram (my first, by the way) telling me that there seemed to be a "density" in my right breast and could I come back in to get another one. They had told me after the first one that if I didn't hear anything from them within 24-48 hours, I was in the clear. So naturally, with this being about a week and a half since I had gotten it, I was taken aback. And that's being nice.

I went into a panic.

Long story short, they did the mammogram the next day along with an ultrasound and although I do have something in my breast, it only appears to be a lymph node, cyst or debris (debris?). I was in the clear for my (elective) surgery. The NEXT day.

Begin emotional roller coaster.

So then on Wednesday (September 2nd) I got boobs. I'm not going to try and act like it was anything other than an empty bra. I took in my old one and told the doctor I wanted it to fit the way it used to.

A little bigger (wink, wink), here we are. ( ) ( ).

All that being said, I have not been really inspired in these last two weeks, so I thought this the perfect time to get YOUR funny kid stories.

My friends (and parents) tell me the things their kids say ALL THE TIME, so why not submit them to me for publication?

Send me your funniest (short) story and I'll put them on here. It can be about your kid (whether 2 or 72), your niece, nephew, a friend's kid, 40 years ago, anything. I just want to hear them. After compiling them, I'll try to post them by the end of the week.

Send them to either my regular email address or abashkin@hotmail.com.

Let me know if you want credit or for it to be anonymous. I reserve the right to make comments after each of your stories.

The UNdiet

I've had a lot of people who have asked me how I lost all my weight, so I've decided to make an entry on my blog.

Disclaimer: My weight loss was NOT monitored by a physician. It was not given to me by a nutritionist. There is nothing healthy about how I lost the weight. I don't claim to have the answers to healthy weight loss. Frankly, I have no idea how to eat healthily. I eat what I like. Period. If you follow what I did, there's no guarantee that it will work for you. There is no guarantee it will do anything except to usually offend at least one person, somehow.

Ok. I'm going to list the things that I did to lose weight. In no particular order.

1. I did not change the quality of the food I ate. I love fast food. I eat total crap, I just ate half of the crap that I normally ate. If you normally get the Big Mac Meal at McDonald's, get it, cut the Big Mac in half, the fries in half and get diet soda or better yet, water. Throw out the half that you will not be eating. Or another option is to get a kids meal...everything is already halved for you.

2. When making a plate of food at home, I put what I would normally eat on the plate, then, I cut each portion in half and put half of everything back into the pot or pan and eat exactly half of what I would normally eat.

3. When eating at a restaurant, order whatever you would normally eat. Salad, entree, dessert, whatever. Ask for a to-go box when ordering and take half of everything and put it in the box. Put it on the floor so you can't see it.

4. If you usually snack during the day, take whatever you usually snack on (whether it is M&Ms, a coke, whatever) cut or measure it into two halves and put the second half away. Don't throw it away...you can eat it for the next snack you'll want whenever you would normally have your next snack.

5. See a trend here?

I have three major rules:

a. If what I'm eating is a vegetable, salad or meat, I can eat the whole serving. Anything else gets halved.

b. Never allow yourself more than one glass of tea or soda at a meal. After the first one, go to water.

c. Give yourself permission to eat the other half. Time yourself starting with the last bite of the first half. In 20 minutes, if you are still hungry, you can have HALF of the other half. (Not one time have I ever eaten the other half...it's amazing how quickly you can get distracted when you are full.)

It took me about a month to get used to doing that and to not feel like I was deprived. After about 6 weeks I saw the weight start to disappear. It took me about 6 months to lose 25 pounds. I figured that in six months I would definitely be older...why not try for skinny too?

Oh and the last thing: I don't work out. Ever. I despise working out. My weight loss was purely from changing how much I was shovelling food into my gullet. I will say that losing the weight automatically made me run around more, because I CAN, so I kind of trick myself into not sitting all the time.

I hope this was helpful. If it was, let me know! If it wasn't, then do what works (or not) for you.

This is not the be all end all of diets...it's just what works for me. Two times now...I lost 45 pounds in my late 20's and 25 pounds in my late 30's.

Good luck!

A letter to my baby.

Dear Hudson,

I am sitting in the kitchen listening to you play. I can't believe another year has rolled by in our lives. Just yesterday you were three weeks old and I was sitting in the rocking chair holding you and crying because you would be "leaving for college" soon. I had no idea how quickly we would get to your fourth birthday.

We have been through so much in the last year. You got officially completely potty trained. You started talking and I became more attached to you than I ever thought humanly possible. I finally fell in love with you. Your sweet little face that sings "Eye wub mie Maaaahmmy, Eye wub her tho muuuuch, Eye can't eeeebin beweeb it."

I can't beweeb it either.

We've gone through two bikes, 4 Gator tires, pool day every Thursday, a new dog (Jack), graduating from a car seat to a booster seat, your first paddock boots, fighting the insurance company to get Speech Therapy approved (we won!), your first sleepover, a Santa Halloween costume, real conversations, lots of new friends and tons of old ones.

You have given me the joy that everyone who has children raves about.

I finally get it.

Your beautiful voice that begs me to tickle him every morning and asks for 5 more minutes to snug before bedtime. Pointing to every fire truck we see as if it's the first. Shaking peoples hands when you meet them and telling them your name. The "please" and "thank yous" that I don't have to ask for. The unsolicited "I love you mommy" that are like the sweet smell of gardenias to my ears.

We have had a wonderful year of firsts, just as I expect we will in every year to come. You have made our lives complete.

I hope that when you reach adulthood you will look back at all I've written and be proud. Proud of the wonderful human you are, proud that I'm your Momma and proud of the great life the three of us have created together.

We are a family thanks to you.

I love you my precious sweet son.